Let’s have some reports…
“Southgate must be dropping Pickford now,” tweets Bobby Moore, “especially with both Pope and Henderson consistently doing well. He might be good enough for mid-table Everton, but surely not for an England side aiming for the business end of tournaments?”
Yup, agree. If his best was better, maybe, but it isn’t, which makes him a liability.
“What a joyful league table for the mathletes,” says Lars Bøgegaard. “Number three ends up with excactly 2/3 of the points of number one. Bravo!”
And an embarrassment for everyone but number one.
Final league table
Man City 81
Man United 66
Sheff Utd 54
West Ham 39
All the full-time scores:
Arsenal 3-2 Watford
Burnley 1-2 Brighton & Hove Albion
Chelsea 2-0 Wolverhampton Wanderers
Crystal Palace 1-1 Tottenham Hotspur
Everton 1-3 AFC Bournemouth
Leicester City 0-2 Manchester United
Manchester City 5-0 Norwich City
Newcastle United 1-3 Liverpool
Southampton 1-3 Sheffield United
West Ham United 1-1 Aston Villa
SPURS MAKE THE EUROPA LEAGUE! Full-time: Palace 1-1 Spurs
Wolves’ failure to take anything from Stamford Bridge is yet another example of Mourinho’s omniscient genius. Wolves, meanwhile, have to hope Chelsea beat Arsenal in the cup final.
WATFORD ARE RELEGATED! Full-time: Arsenal 3-2 Watford
A squad with players this good ought to be above this fate, but here we are.
CHELSEA MAKE THE CHAMPIONS LEAGUE! Full-time: Chelsea 2-0 Wolves
That’s a great result for Chelsea, who now have a cup final to look forward to (and a trip to Germany, in order to overturn a 3-0 first leg deficit.
MAN UNITED TAKE THIRD PLACE AND MAKE THE CHAMPIONS LEAGUE! GOAL! Leicester City 0-2 Man United (Lingard 90+8)
Schmeichel, who was out of his goal trying to score a minute ago, rolls a careless one to Lingard, who punishes home his first of the season!
ASTON VILLA STAY UP! Full-time: West Ham 1-1 Aston Villa
Well! Who picked that two weeks ago?
Full-time: Newcastle 1-3 Liverpool
99 points for the champions. Imagine their joy of they’d got one more.
Full-time: Everton 1-3 Bournemouth
Too little, too late by the looks of things.
Villa have two minutes to survive, to survive….
RED CARD! Jonny Evans is shown a straight one!
Marooned on the ground, he introduced studs to shin, matter of principle stuff really. McTominay is down, but will be fine; he’s gone, and he can’t really argue with that.
“The original skipper in the peno run up was john Aldo Aldridge!!” says Anto O’Connell. “As the young people say YouTube it!”
I’m old enough to remember watching it, but that was a stutter, for mine.
At the KP, we’re into the second of five minutes of injury time….
GOAL! Man City 5-0 Norwich (De Bruyne 90)
Norwich do not escape with a light 4-0 dusting.
GOAL! Newcastle 1-3 Liverpool (Mane 89)
That’ll teach them for taking the lead.
BUT ARE THEY! GOAAAAAALLLL! I LOVE “THIS LEAGUE!” West Ham 1-1 Aston Villa (Yarmolenko 85)
I’m sure in thefullness of time, this will be an own goal, but whatevz; Yarmolenko shoots from just outside the box, it flicks off a defender’s leg, and describes a perfect parabola, looping over Reina and in! Can Villa hold it down?
WHAAAAAAAT A GOOOOOOAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLL! West Ham 0-1 Aston Villa (Grealish 84)
JACK GREALISH HAS DONE IT! JACK GREALISH HAS DONE IT! THE CAPTAIN HAS DONE IT! He takes a square pass just outside the box, left of centre, drags the ball down the side of the defender, enough to make space and angle for the shot, then flings everything he’s ever been, everything he’s ever known and everything that exists in the world into a rising, screeching cry for freedom, and Villa are staying up!
TWO GOALS! Man City 4-0 Norwich City (Sterling 79, Mahrez 83)
Sounds brutal, but I bet Norwich would’ve took this before kick-off, if this winds up being all it is.
GOAL! Southampton 3-1 Sheffield United (Adams 71)
Yes, I’m late to this one, apologies. We busy.
GOAL! Everton 1-3 Bournemouth (Stanislas 80)
Bournemouth have done their bit! Jordan Pickford is hilarious! Stanislas cuts in from the left and passes towards what he hopes is the far corner, but his shot isn’t hard enough or well-directed enough … but Pickford dives over it! With ten minutes to go, all three competing teams are still in this!
“The skip that Fernandes performed is not ‘his’ skip, rages Peter Williams. “It’s the Jorginho skip.”
Er, the one he did when missing in the league cup final shoot-out. yes. but surely if someone does something, it’s theirs, even if someone else did it first.
At Leicester, Brendan Rodgers has gone for it, making four changes: Tielemans, Choudhury, Albrighton and Iheanacho have gone off, with Gray, Barnes, Perez and Praet coming on. If they can score, even with two or three to go, United will be even more petrified than they’ve looked all afternoon. United, meanwhile, have replaced Greenwood with Lingard, though I’m not entirely sure why.
Oh gosh, Callum Wilson almost put Bournemouth 3-1 up at Goodison, but Baines hurled himself into a scissors challenge – that was very, very close to penalty – and won the ball. I guess he did, but the manner of it has been outlawed, I think.
“Villa fan here,” admits David Bertram. ‘We’re going to blow this aren’t we. Please Everton score.”
I’m afraid saying it out loud on here probably won’t reverse-bok it, but for what it’s worth, your boys look fairly comfortable given the circumstances. On which point, were Villa to go down, would that make them the most expensive relegated side ever? Fulham had a good shy at it last term…
GOAL! Arsenal 3-2 Watford (Welbeck 66)
Did I speak too soon? If Watford can get one more, Villa will be right under the pump and Bournemouth, who lead Everton, will be down!
GOAL! Leicester City 0-1 Man United (Fernandes pen 70)
Schmeichel dances on his line but Fernandes is terrifyingly calm, doing his skip and, as Schmeichel dives right, rolling left. Leicester now need to score twice!
Yes, he thinks they do. This is a huge moment in the contemporary history of Manchester United….
Will it be Fernandes with it? Do his little legs have the strength to kick the ball 18 yards?
A fine pass from Greenwood sends Martial through, and Evans and MOrgan converge on him, both slide, and though Evans gets a toenail on the ball, Morgan ploughs through him!
In commentary, Gary Neville and Martin Tyler are discussing whether Fernandes, who’s barely alive, should be taken off, but but but…
“Mourinho explicitly said he was joking when he mentioned ‘the five-game championship’ to the press,” says Alistair Hann. “So it’ll be tedious in the extreme if you continue to post comments riffing on the absurdity of the statement.”
In fairness, he’s said a lot of things that were sillier, with extreme earnesty.
“If Manchester United finish fifth and Wolves as sixth, and one of these clubs wins the Europa League and gets a ticket to the Champions League – will that give seventh a Europa League spot?” wonders Lars Bøgegaard. “Asking for a Spurs-friend.”
No. England will have five teams in the Champions League, but no additional Europa spot.
It’s getting extremely tense at the KP, where Lindelof has just scythed through Vardy on the touchline. Both sides look eminently capable of conceding. In the event, the free-kick comes in, De Gea stays – of course he does – and Maguire has to clear on his behalf.
GOAL! Newcastle 1-2 Liverpool (Origi 59)
The champions look set to sign off win a win….
Oh my days! At the KP, Vardy runs in front of Fernandes to get to Tielemans’ free-kick first, twizzling all of himself into a header that loops onto the far angle! And then Thomas crosses and Tielemans mishits his shot into his own leg … but wins a corner anyway! Scenes if Leicester score from it … which they don’t.
Back at Goodison, it’s Everton with most of the possession now, while at the London Stadium, West Ham are pushing.
“Is Jose going to hold a cup-raising event for his five game championship?” asks Mary Waltz. “Does he have the neighbourhood dogs form a guard of honour as he enters his home at night?”
With million-pound fireworks. In fairness, if I was a Porto or Inter fan, I’d already be squatting on his front lawn so I could pay daily homage.
At Leicester, meanwhile, United are in the ascendancy. But if you offered Brendan Rodgers 0-0 with 20 to go, my guess is he’d’ve took it.
At Goodison, Bournemouth are running their absolute hinds off.
GOAL! Crystal Palace 1-1 Spurs (Schlupp 53)
As long as Spurs hang onto their point and Wolves don’t come back from two goals down to get theirs at Chelsea, Spurs are still fine. And how nice to see Schlupp scoring after coming back from a nasty injury.
GOAL! Burnley 1-2 Brighton (Connolly 50)
Brighton are asserting themselves here. Graham Potter has done a great job to improve the football and maintain the status.
GOAL! Southampton 1-1 Sheffield United (Adams 50)
Ooh, and now down the other end, Lindelof, who’s holding United together here, nips in front of Vardy after Justin skins Wan-Bissaka.
At Leicester, Matic sends Martial in behind with a lovely pass, but Martial’s touch, looking to take the ball across Justin, actually allows him to challenge, and he does really well.
Off we go again!
“Spurs fans must be over the moon that they are on course to winning the Project Restart Cup!” emails Peter Oh. “Please celebrate responsibly.”
Yes, it looks like they and Mourinho are stuck with each other for longer.
Michael O’Connor emails with news on Liverpool’s equaliser at Newcastle: “Nifty dribbing by Oxlade Chamberlain then a lovely hanging cross for Van Dijk to head into the top right corner; keeper had no chance.”
Thanks. I wonder what’ll happen with Oxlade-Chamberlain; he can’t be happy playing as infrequently as he has, but it’s hard to see where he fits into Klopp’s system on a reg.